I’d never seen the movie until recently — like Saved by the Bell and Adventures in Babysitting, it was weirdly something that I’d just always avoided. But that changed when my partner sat me down with it and I got a chance to really pick the movie apart with a fresh pair of eyes. Here are my observations as a newcomer to the film — and the terrible conclusion that everyone seems to have missed.
3:00 – Swayze’s fine but Tony Goldwyn, the other guy in the movie is the real hunk. This film looks super gay! Oh, or also, I just realized, possibly just for straight women.
9:20 – Patrick Swayze’s nipples point in strange directions. They look like they’re rolling their eyes.
10:00 – Demi Moore is the perkiest 15-year-old boy I’ve ever seen.
11:20 – Aaaaand we’re at the sexy pottery scene. I had not realized this film was so graphic! And also so weird — these people have zero chemistry. They don’t even seem like they’re in the same room together. Why did clay make them so horny?
17:50 – My mistake — Demi Moore is not a 15-year-old boy, she’s a youthful k.d. lang.
21:00 – Sorry to Patrick Swayze, but he’s really bad at being shot. He’s making the goofiest comedy faces here, like he’s in a silent film.
30:00 – I was promised Whoopi Goldberg. When does she show up? So far this is a movie about waiting for Whoopi. That’s what they should have titled it.
43:30 – Whoopi Goldberg just ran screaming through a door. The film has now started.
46:00 – This movie would have us believe that she sleeps in a purple union suit with flowers. She looks like Grimace.
56:00 – Whoopi’s character is clearly a grifter, but she’s so much fun it’s impossible not to side with her. Also, it’s clear who murdered Patrick Swayze and why, but for whatever reason he just doesn’t get it. Instead he mopes around the apartment, dead. I want more Whoopi.
1:02:30 – We just saw a mug shot of Whoopi. Even a still photograph of her is more interesting than these lame white people.
1:34:00 – Whoopi is the only person who can hear Patrick Swayze’s ghost, and the two of them just pulled off some kind of bank heist. She’s talking back to him as they walk down the street and it’s so odd. Sure, it’s New York, nobody would bat an eye at a lady screaming to herself… but still, shouldn’t someone at least do a double-take at her?
1:46:00 – Patrick Swayze’s ghost proves that he’s real by making a penny levitate. This is the dumbest miracle in the history of miracles, and I’m including all the Jesus toast in that.
1:48:30 – Patrick has taken possession of Whoopi’s body so he can dance with Demi. I suppose if you wanted to be cynical about the movie, you could say that the ghost never really existed, and the whole thing was a long con by Whoopi’s character to honk Demi Moore’s boobs.
1:57:00 – The bad guy has been killed and Patrick can now go to heaven, which is apparently just a blurry Thomas Kinkaid painting.
2:02:00 – And now we get to the real problem with the film: it ends with Whoopi having been seen stealing millions of dollars from a bank, and a dead banker at her feet. In what universe is she not arrested and convicted of murder? The characters called the police when the deranged banker showed up at Demi’s house, and then Patrick facilitated his death. What are they going to tell the cops when they arrive? Uh, yeah, he just um died, we don’t know how. Is it not going to be a little suspicious that the lady with the criminal record who just stole $4 million for this guy’s bank is standing over his dead body?
So to sum up: Patrick was an idiot who couldn’t solve an obvious murder, and his final act on Earth was traumatizing his wife, endangering her, and letting Whoopi Goldberg take the fall for a money laundering scheme.
Ghost is the saddest movie ever made.
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